When Your Sibling Has OCD
/I got my first real glimpse into what life with OCD is like through witnessing my sister’s personal experience with the disorder. In retrospect, she had been dealing with it for years before we recognized OCD was the explanation for what was happening. While she was without a doubt the individual in our family most impacted, my parents and I were also vicariously affected by witnessing her struggle with anxiety and the limiting effects it was having on her life. Anxiety became the driving force in her life and, in certain circumstances, ours as a result. I want to be very clear that I am in no way comparing her struggle to my experience as her sibling, but merely pointing out that family members can have parallel experiences. In a family unit, each individual is impacted by the others and the system as a whole.
When your sibling has OCD, it can be challenging to know what to do, how to help, and if, when, or how you can also care for yourself. Some common feelings I’ve seen siblings of individuals with OCD experience are as follows.
1. You may feel scared for your sibling and worried about their wellbeing.
We all know that our mental health is extremely important - it impacts every area of our lives and has serious implications for our overall quality of life. Seeing a loved one suffer with their mental health can be emotional. In some cases, there may be another family member (maybe even you) who has OCD, as family studies have reported a 7% to 15% prevalence rate in first-degree relatives of children and adolescents with OCD. But in many cases, your sibling’s diagnosis may be the first time you’ve even heard about OCD or learned about what it is and how it impacts someone affected by it. Steven Hayes, the founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, has so eloquently reminded us all that “we hurt where we care.” If you’re hurting seeing your loved one hurting, it makes perfect sense and you’re not alone.
2. You may feel guilty that they’re suffering when you are not (at least, not in the same way).
Again, it can be upsetting to witness someone you love suffer. You may wish you could take their pain away and that things were different. This guilt may lead to you taking the pain on yourself, despite this not doing anything to resolve theirs. While it’s understandable to empathize with your sibling and feel bad that they’re struggling, guilt implies that you’ve done something wrong. You didn’t cause your sibling to have OCD, it’s not your fault that they may be suffering greater than or differently than you, and you can care for them without assuming irrational guilt.
3. You may feel unsure about prioritizing your own needs when your sibling is suffering so much.
When a loved one is sick or struggling, it is often the most important thing going on in the family - and understandably so. But this person’s suffering does not stop time for other family members whose lives are still happening. We have responsibilities, personal needs, relationships, hobbies, and goals that are also important and worthwhile. While it can feel hard to make the space to focus on yourself while your sibling is struggling, it’s necessary to do so. Believe it or not, the whole family unit ends up being better off when each individual has their needs met. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
4. You may feel upset with or neglected by your parent(s).
A lot of time and attention may be allotted to your sibling and their OCD. Their comfort may often be put first because parents are doing anything to avoid another trigger or cause for upset that would send your sibling into an anxiety spike and whatever compulsions accompany it. Even though most people with OCD have the insight to recognize their obsessions and compulsions are excessive and irrational, they have a hard time stopping them. When OCD is untreated, it’s not uncommon for schedules to get thrown off, for plans to be cancelled or cut short, and for once quick and simple tasks to now take up a lot of time and energy. As a result, it can feel like your schedule and needs are not as important as those of your sibling. Parents have the very important and equally as difficult responsibility of getting their child the help they need while balancing the needs of all children in the family. Sometimes they fall short - it may be their first time dealing with a child having a mental health issue, they’re figuring it all out as they go, or they’re struggling to manage their own emotions and recognize how everyone in the family may be impacted. While it may be some time before things return to the way they were before OCD or the family settles into a new normal, it’s understandable you would be yearning for that.
5. You may feel a sense of responsibility to help them, even though you’re not quite sure what to do.
You want to help your sibling - I get it. It’s hard to watch them struggle with being trapped in compulsions and consumed by anxiety. And often the solution can seem so simple to the outside observer because OCD involves a lot of faulty logic, but that’s exactly what has hijacked your sibling’s mind and ability to feel and function like they used to. You might be left feeling helpless and confused about how to help, which makes perfect sense because (a) how could you know?! and (b) a family member is not equipped with the knowledge, tools, and resources that a professional has to treat this condition. Your care, love, and patience go a long way in making your sibling feel supported, but it’s not your responsibility to treat their OCD.
6. You may feel bothered by and resentful of the space their OCD is taking up in the household.
OCD is, by definition, time-consuming and leaves the sufferer in a position to engage in a bunch of rituals they may not want to do but feel compelled to carry out. While it’s not their intention, it might feel like your sibling is running the show and everything has started to center around their anxiety. I know from living and working with individuals with OCD that they don’t want it to be this way either and may feel their own sense of guilt for what family members are going through as a result of their OCD. Your feelings need to be tended to because they don’t just go away - it’s ok for you to talk to your parents, ask for your own therapy, or take time away doing things that make you feel good.
7. You may feel like you’re living as if you have OCD despite not actually suffering with the disorder yourself.
OCD is characterized by rigid rules and a need for safety and certainty. This likely means your sibling has specific ways in which they must do things, an unrelenting sense of doubt requiring frequent reassurance, or an inability to complete certain tasks on their own. It’s not uncommon for other family members, like siblings, to be brought into this compulsive process. Family members often end up in the position of needing to follow the OCD’s rules in order for their loved one to feel okay and be able to move on from that task. This can unintentionally displace some of the anxiety and stress from the disorder onto family members not directly suffering from it. We often think that helping our loved one is following their rigid rules or rituals, but giving into compulsions is actually what is maintaining their OCD’s power position in their life and keeping them sick. This can seem counterintuitive for loved ones at first, but helping your sibling will ultimately mean helping them reduce their engagement in compulsions, not taking the compulsions on for them. This should be done gradually and ideally with the support of a therapist or ample discussion within the family ahead of time if working with a therapist is not feasible.
When your sibling is contending with OCD, it can be confusing, challenging, and emotional. While not everyone deals with mental illness, we all deal with mental health. Your sibling may be the closest person to you, and you to them, meaning how each of you are doing mentally impacts the other. As the sibling of someone with OCD, it’s important to care for yourself, honor your feelings, and ask for support if you’re feeling overwhelmed.