The Truth About Coping Skills

Coping skills are talked about a lot in the therapy world and I often notice a lot of misunderstandings around them. What are they really? Why do we need them? How do they help?

The biggest misconception I see around coping skills is that they will “fix” problems. When going through challenging times, we are internally and naturally motivated to feel better. This can lead to a dynamic of comparison between how we actually feel and how we want to feel. How we want to feel is a fantasy though, and like all fantasies, our ideas about them are often extreme and absolute. When we fantasize, we may not consider the realities of our circumstances or of life in general, leading to idealized, perfectionistic, and unrealistic expectations. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, otherwise referred to as CBT, this type of comparison is called all-or-nothing thinking. You may also hear it referred to as black-and-white thinking, dichotomous thinking, or perfectionism.

  When it comes to some of the common things individuals face related to their general well-being and mental health, there are often not black-and-white fixes for them. For example, stress is a common emotional experience many adults face. Between the demands of work, household responsibilities, being a partner or parent or friend, taking care of their health, etc., there can be a lot to juggle. So, eliminating stress entirely might not be a realistic goal, but coping with stress is. By the same token, anxiety is a part of life and a biological function of our brains. Eliminating anxiety completely is unreasonable, and also would not be something we’d want to do as anxiety is there to keep us safe and away from danger. However, coping with anxiety is both reasonable and possible.

  A more realistic way of understanding coping skills are as tools we have in our toolkit in order to manage and move through different emotions and experiences. I often compare this to way we take care of ourselves (or someone else takes care of us) when we have a cold. There’s no real quick fix medication for a cold – they tend to linger for about a week and then run their course. So, what do we do to cope with a cold? We do things like: take time off from work, drink lots of fluids like juice and tea, eat soup, stay warm under lots of blankets, take naps, etc. Do these things “fix” the cold? No. But do they help us get through the cold? I’d say so.

  The same can be said for coping skills. While they won’t fix or cure the problems we face in life, they do support us in getting through them. They help to ease the pain and discomfort experienced during difficult times and help to make our emotions more tolerable. They act as a support system, making us more equipped to go through such experiences. They also may, as a result, minimize the negative effects of prolonged stress and anxiety.

 To schedule with Jessica, click here. Jessica Serber, LMFT is a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, CA. Jessica specializes in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and its treatment, Exposure and Response Prevention. She also specializes in treating general anxiety, anxiety disorders, and issues related to self-esteem. You can follow her on Instagram at @yourmindisamuscle.